Heroic Dose Trip Report: Ego Death, Rebirth, and the Question That Still Echoes
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Introduction: Why I Went So Far
Some people climb mountains. Others meditate in caves. For me, the calling came through psilocybin mushrooms.
Not the kind sprinkled on pizza, the kind whispered about in sacred texts and forums, the kind that alter consciousness and perspective. In 2018, after a few light journeys, I chose to go deeper.
No sitter. No guidance. Just myself, 15 grams of dried mushrooms, and the silence of a night that felt infinite.
Part 1: Testing the Waters
My journey started slowly. A 2.5g dose introduced me to euphoria, laughter, and curiosity playful, vivid, but not profound. A few months later, 5g showed me beauty but didn’t break me open.
That night, I realized something important: no two minds trip the same. While I marveled at colors, a friend struggled with anxiety. These substances demand deep respect.
Part 2: 15 Grams – A Bold Step
Driven by a desire for something bigger than visuals for meaning, I brewed 15g into a tea and prepared to meet myself at the edge.
What followed wasn’t psychedelic. It was existential surgery.
Part 3: The Shower That Became a Womb
At first, it was fun. Childlike wonder. Every surface shimmered. Everything made sense in an absurd, cosmic joke kind of way.
Then I entered the shower.
Turning off the light, fan, and water, I stood in silence. And I disappeared.
The bathroom became space. The walls vanished. I was nowhere and everywhere.
Part 4: Ego Death and the Void
I lost all sense of identity. My body faded. My thoughts weren’t “mine.” I became raw awareness in a sea of darkness.
Panic arose not fear of death, but fear of never returning.
I saw childhood trauma. Felt the terror of drowning. And then… a pinprick of light.
Time stacked like books. I saw myself at every age, every stage, all at once. Past, present, future woven into a single breath.
Part 5: The Loop and the Eternal Question
The trip wasn’t linear. I died many times metaphorically. Each rebirth asked me the same thing:
“Why are you here?”
I didn’t know. The answer echoed. Stillness. Another loop. Another rebirth. I believed I was in hell — not from pain, but uncertainty.
Then voices, like lifelines:
“Hey. Breathe. You’re coming back.”
Breath by breath, I returned.
Part 6: Re-Entry
Back in my room, still wet from the shower, I stared at my hands. Trembling. Groundless.
Only 4.5 hours had passed. But I had lived lifetimes.
Part 7: Reflection and Afterglow
Later that night, I lit a joint. Not to escape to land softly.
No music. No screen. Just me and my ceiling fan.
Would I do it again? Not like that. Not soon.
But I don’t regret it.
Psilocybin stripped away distractions and revealed truths I hadn’t dared face. That voice still whispers:
“Why are you here?”
I still don’t know. But I’m learning to listen.
Final Thoughts
Heroic doses aren’t recreational. They are transformative. Terrifying, liberating, and deeply personal.
Mushrooms don’t just show you colors. They show you yourself fully.
Sometimes, that’s the hardest thing to face.
But also, the most beautiful.
Trip Summary
- Substance: Psilocybin Mushrooms
- Dose: 15g dried (tea)
- Duration: ~6 hours (4.5h peak)
- Setting: Solo, home, nighttime
- Themes: Ego dissolution, cosmic visions, inner child healing, spiritual rebirth
- Afterglow: Grounded reflection, renewed appreciation for life
- Would I repeat? Only with deep intention and respect